love notes 06: chasing my author dreams
talking about my dreams of becoming published, what i read this week and more
This week I’m obsessed with: working on my novel, slowing down, quiet morning walks, thick cardigans, lazy nights, candlelit showers, “fictional” by khloe rose, dinner out with my mum and visiting the local library.
I went to my first book launch this week. There’s not many authors who come to where I live, so I’m usually living vicariously through other people’s experiences on social media. I see their collective excitement as they crowd inside their local bookstores, squashing in like sardines as they listen to their favourite authors talk about their newest book. It’s always seemed like such a fun, magical experience. So when my mum and I saw a book launch for Milking Time by Rachel Treasure at our local library we jumped at the chance to go.
Admittedly I’ve never read a Rachel Treasure book before, but it was nice supporting a local author and listening to her story of how she became published. Her writing career has spanned twenty years, so she had lots to say, and it’s obvious that her passion for writing comes from her own real life passions, such as: regenerative farming, the intimate connection that exists between nature and people, holistic living, environmental activism and the lives of contemporary rural women.
I loved listening to Rachel Treasure talk about her life, her interests and her experience writing Milking Time. There’s nothing more inspiring than listening to somebody speak about what they’re most passionate about — even when the topics are not ones I’ve ever been personally interested in before. But I can say that I walked away from this new experience somewhat high off listening to Rachel talk about achieving her dreams and feeling even more motivated to work on my own book.
I’ve dreamed of becoming a published author ever since I read City of Bones by Cassandra Clare back in 2008. It was the first time I’d read a book that consumed me. I remember sitting in my bedroom and becoming obsessed with this book from the very first chapter — I loved the characters, the way that magic was intertwined with the real world, the seduction of the supernatural, and the new take on the good versus evil trope. It felt like real magic was woven into these pages, the words as hypnotic as spell-work, and I found myself dreaming of wielding that same kind of power.
This dream of mine has never truly died — even when I’ve sacrificed it time and time again as I focused my attention on work or becoming a mother or building a small business at home. But it’s always been there, just simmering beneath the surface, waiting for me to get myself together and write the damn book.
But in the past twelve or so months I’ve been ruminating on my decision to let my dream remain unfulfilled for so long.
And I’ve come to the conclusion that I stopped chasing after becoming a published author because I was simply afraid it would never happen. I ignored the passion simmering beneath the surface because I guess it’s impossible to be disappointed that a dream isn’t fulfilled if I don’t actually work towards it. I can’t be frustrated or angry with myself, or see myself as not good enough, if I didn’t bother trying to achieve it in the first place.
I think this sudden need to ruminate on discarded dreams happened because I realised I’m almost 30. Is this the beginning of a midlife crisis or a normal reaction to grasping the concept of my own mortality? I don’t know. But whatever the reason, I just don’t want to get to a point where I look back on my life with regret — not because I didn’t write a book or become a published author, but because I gave up on my dreams without even trying. For me, that’s sadder than never publishing a book.
So last year I made a commitment to myself to chase after my publishing dreams regardless of the outcome. I keep thinking back to my teenage self: the girl sitting alone in her bedroom as she obsessed over stories — the ones she had read and the ones she had written and the ones she had dreamed up, reimagining them over and over again in her mind. In a lot of ways I’m still that girl. I’m never more myself than when I’m wrapped up in some kind of story. Even my husband and my family comment on how I’ve seemed more at ease and happier since reading and writing more. So I’ve decided that I can’t be disappointed in chasing after my dreams if I remember why I started writing stories in the first place: because I wanted to write a book that readers immersed themselves in. That’s something I feel like I’m doing already with my current project.
This year I started working on a dark contemporary fantasy book. I brainstormed and plotted the book in February, completely wrote the first draft in March, and I’m working on the second draft as I write this piece. Maybe this will be the book that leads me to achieve my publishing dreams, or maybe the next one will be, or maybe the one after that. Maybe it will take another twelve months, or maybe it’ll take a couple of years. Maybe it’ll happen, maybe it won’t.
The only thing I know for sure is that I’m not putting my dreams on hold any longer. Because yes, what if it doesn’t happen — but also, what if it does?
Do you have a dream you’re putting on hold? Or are you going after it full force? I’d love to know — tell me in the comments!
part i: what i read this week
I’ve struggled to read anything this week. In stolen moments I’ve managed to read 180 pages of Beartown by Fredrik Backman. It’s taken me a little to get into it since I don’t know much about hockey (or sports in general, haha) and the culture of hockey is very full on for me. But it’s starting to get really interesting and I’m super intrigued to see where this book goes. Fingers crossed next week is better and I finish it!
I only have a few article recommendations that I found particularly interesting and inspiring this week:
Alexis Landau on Beauty, Ageing, and What Mothers Pass Down to Their Daughters
A Daughter Becomes A Mother: On Inhabiting Both Roles in Fiction and in Life
part ii: what i wrote this week
I’ve continued working on my second draft this week — another two chapters have been edited and I feel a great sense of accomplishment seeing them ticked off my to-do list. I’m about to start work on some harder chapters, so I’m expecting to see my momentum slow down. But we’ll see!
I also had another idea for a book. It’s always nerve-wracking when this happens, especially when I’m working on something else and don’t want to become distracted. But I created a new document to write down all my ideas and then created a Pinterest board to see my idea visually. I always do this to help get the excitement of a new idea out of my system. I’m thinking I’ll work on this story as a reward once I’ve finished this current one.
part iii: what i watched this week
Just like reading, I’ve barely watched anything this week — I’ve been so focused on spending my evenings writing instead. But I managed to slowly continue my rewatch of “The Vampire Diaries” season three, and my husband and I have just started the adaption of “Fallout”. We’re loving it so far!
But I did write out a list of movies I want to watch soon:
Cruel Intentions
The Boys in the Boat
Freedom Writers
Anatomy of a Fall
Poor Things
Dead Poets Society
The Beguiled
Priscilla
Almost Famous
Girl, Interrupted
Have you watched any of these? I’d love to hear your thoughts on them! Do you have any suggestions on what one to watch first?
And that’s my week!
I’m hoping that next week I’ll continue making great strides with my second draft, and that I can finally finish reading Beartown. The next book on my list to read is A Room Of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf!
Until next time,
- Madeline
I'm so happy you are chasing the dream!! This is exciting to hear and I am proud of you for going for it. I am going through the same process now: just going for it and paying attention to the vocation. I speak more about it in my post titled "Vocational Guidance from a Man Long Gone" if you'd like to check out another perspective on this topic!
I watched Priscilla with my girlfriends not too long ago and we liked it. Seeing it in contrast to the Elvis movie was incredible - seeing two very different perspectives of the same events and experiences. Wow. However, it did end very abruptly. We expected a little bit more, but we weren't too disappointed considering Priscilla is less for the theatrics and more for the telling of what really happened.
Peace to you!!
You will never regret trying, and you will definitively achieve your dream of becoming a published writer. As long as you believe you will and that it's possible.